Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau
Moses parted the Red Sea. Jesus walked on water. And now Benjamin Netanyahu has healed the partisan divide in Washington D.C., the greatest miracle of all time, according to this morning's editorial in the New York Times.
In a forty-five minute address before a Joint Session of Congress the tough-talking Israeli Prime Minister convinced a heretofore bitterly divided U.S. political class to lay aside its budget battles and concentrate on America's transcendent purpose: to resettle Palestinian Arabs in outer Mongolia so Israel need no longer face the Arab "demographic threat" to Jewish democracy.
The nuance-laden speech, entitled "They Must Go!" was interrupted 637 times by standing ovations, which left many Congress members afflicted with repetitive motion disorders. "He makes it all so clear," gushed California Senator Barbara Boxer, rubbing an elbow dislocated by continuous applause. "Why should we be at each others' throats over budget matters when Israel faces extinction at the hands of HAMAS (Horrible Arab Mothers Affirming Sexuality)?"
"If they are not stopped from having babies on Jewish land," said California's other Senator Diane Feinstein, Jews will soon be a minority in their own country. In other words, it will be the Holocaust all over again."
"And that would undermine the free market," added Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, "because God gave the land to the Jews, and no one has the right to tell a landlord what to do with his land."
"It would also be a defeat for immigrants' rights," said Representative Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill.) a leading spokesman for comprehensive immigration reform, "because Israel is a nation of immigrants continually made subject to terrorist attacks by Arab nativists refusing to recognize that unlimited immigration is good for everyone. They'll find that out once we relocate them to Mongolia."
Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Florida) agreed that violent expulsion was the best solution, but added that Fidel Castro should be included in the forced march to Mongolia. "The Arabs are radical Communists like Fidel. I mean, what's more Communist than one person, one vote? They're birds of a feather that should flock together."
Michele Bachmann (D-Minn.) offered to switch her party affiliation to Likud " if that would help God win in 2012." President Obama praised her spirit of conciliation and said he would consider her as a running mate if she didn't get the GOP nomination.
"She's on my short list," said Obama. "It's either her or Palin or Joe Lieberman," he added." "Bibi has promised to let me know soon."
The president pooh-poohed talk of Bachmann lacking qualifications to serve as president. "She loves God and Israel, and what other qualifications are there?"